Thursday, September 11, 2014

finding peace in the wires

On July 8th, I went into pre-term labor with our first child. Mila Elizabeth was born at 36 weeks at 2am. She had dark, beautiful black hair and a strong set of lungs. She looked perfect...

But she wasn't. We found out around 31 weeks that her bowels were dilated and not working properly. They were sure she would have to have surgery and they were right. At 5pm on the 8th she was taken into surgery.

She did great, but it ended up being worse than they thought. She had jejunal atresia but also had what is called apple peel deformity.  In short, half of her intestines were not working because of an obstruction and the remaining intestines weren't actually attached to anything. We were told her NICU stay would be upwards of two months.

We were shocked and sad but we were so grateful to know that she did great and was in good hands. The first night was awful... but it has gotten easier.

Oh, I should mention that in the middle of this we were packing our house, closing on our new house in a new city, AND moving. My husband was also finishing his MBA and was set to start his new job September 5th -- so we've had a lot going on...

I started to write a post about how to "handle" having a baby in the NICU when I realized that those pointers weren't what was getting us through all this. Sure, I'll post that post, but I thought I would share what has been my saving grace through all the chaos, sadness, and stress.

"The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart. And He saves those who are broken in spirit." Psalm 34:18

"For I know the plans I have for you,’ says the Lord, ‘plans for well-being and not for trouble, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11

I have complete faith the God has everything under control. We are not on this journey alone because He is carrying us. Sure, it's scary and depressing but I am able to take comfort in the fact that all of this is temporary.

You see, my husband and I have been through a lot in 6 years of marriage (you can read some about that here and here). We have been through more than most couples who have been married 30 years go through. It feels like we can't catch a break.

Our faith wasn't what got us through most of those times though... it was those moments that brought us back to our faith.

I have doubted God's goodness and grace. I have doubted His judgment. I have even asked why He is so unfair to me. I am in no way, shape, or form saying that I have it all figured out now or that I take every obstacle in stride. I get upset. I cry. I wish that I didn't have to go through such difficult things. I don't understand.

Saying that you have faith in God's plan and truly believing it are two different things. I have faith. I don't know what road we will go down, how hard it will be, or when it will end but I have faith that God is beside me always.

I hated seeing Mila in the little incubator with wires and tubes coming from all ends. I hated when she would cry and I couldn't do anything. I hated that she couldn't eat food for 2 weeks and I couldn't nurse her. I hated that I couldn't take my sweet girl home.


I have loved seeing her grow and her excitement when she got food for the first time. I have loved seeing how in love my family is with her. I have loved that she got the best care and had the best surgeon operate on her. I have loved those little moments when she is fast asleep. I have loved seeing her in her father's arms.

There is beauty and happiness and goodness in the dark times. You just have to have faith.

I have had the following songs on repeat the last couple weeks and they have lifted my spirits on so many occasions.

I don't always understand God's plan and I certainly don't always agree but I know that that God is good, God is loving, and God is just.

Need more inspiration? Check out my Pinterest board. 

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