Monday, August 6, 2012

through my heart?

(please ignore any grammar or spelling issues... I thought it was more important to get it all out than to worry about it - plus I know my mom will edit it ;)
Lately, my prayers sound a lot like the above image. I have found myself speechless many times in the last few months.....

Friday afternoon I received a text from my boss that our company chaplain had unexpectedly passed away earlier that morning. For someone who loves to talk and can find something to say in just about every situation…. I was utterly speechless.
I had just spoken to him the other day. I apparently was making an unfriendly face when I ran into him and he jokingly put his hands in the air and said, “whoa! I’m not messing with you today!” We bantered back and forth briefly and went about the day. It was just a normal exchange. I have only been at my job for 10 months but I grew very fond of our chaplain.
Last week, I wanted to talk to him but I was pretty busy taking care of other tasks at work and just couldn’t find the time. I thought of calling him but just never picked up the phone…
Friday night, I was reminded of how quickly things can change. I just sat there… completely and entirely speechless. Vincent wasn’t sure what to say or do.
It was my dad’s death all over again. Sudden, unbelievable, confusing, surreal… heartbreaking. It’s moments like this where I just don’t understand God’s timing.
I know that’s not how it works – sometimes I will never understand God’s timing – but I was shaken.
The following day would marked the four year anniversary of my friend, Will’s death. He too died suddenly.
I find that when I am speechless is when God is the loudest. I don’t always hear or feel His presence right away but then I do. You know that feeling when your chest begins to tighten and you feel like you are about to cry or scream? That is the feeling I get right before I feel God’s overwhelming comfort. I feel as if I am about the burst into tears but then it’s like my heart releases and I feel calm. I am admittedly not the best at describing things but the feeling I get is inexplicably and prominently evident in moments of crisis and confusion.
I got the same feeling after Vincent left for Iraq, when I heard about Will’s death, and when I got the EMT’s call about Vincent’s accident. Right before a major freak-out-panic-attack-loose-all-control moment – my heart releases.
I’ve written before that I have in the past been a very bitter and angry Christian. I will admit there have been times where I do question God’s timing or plans. I will admit that my faith has faltered more than once. And I will admit that I know I am blessed beyond belief to have these moments of complete comfort.
I don’t understand this death and I never will. My heart breaks for his family and for his loved ones. But I take comfort in knowing that he is in a much better place. I cannot put into words the impact Rick had on my life in the 10 short months I knew him. I cannot put into words how beautiful his faith was and how he made everyone seem like family. He was one of God’s greatest warriors and he is dancing in heaven as I write this. 

So, once again I am reminded that God’s comfort will be evident in times of crisis and that God is more talkative than I will ever be. ;)

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